sometimes III

i thought i had the title 'sometimes' a couple of times, seems like this is only the 2nd 'sometimes' i have written so far. but i've put the title as 'sometimes III' coz i was lazy to change the previous title..


i've labeled 'sometimes' as gibberish and thoughts. today, my thoughts flowed to these.

i wish i have the capability
to churn out words
words which can make you feel better
words which can help banish your frustrations

i wish these words
can come out in a flash
every word appropriate
each time making you smile

pity comforting words
don't come out easy from my mouth
pity these words
are usually typed and sent out

but i can listen
and a good listener i am
though i usually come out with silly suggestions,
funny facial expressions

it's all in the hope that i can
help you feel better
help you smile
let you know that it's all worth while

unfortunately, i'm not the best
unfortunately, i think i make things worst sometimes

that's why i wish
and i'm wishing really hard
that i can get the words right
to lift your heavy heart..

sometimes again..

sometimes you wonder who reads your blog..


sometimes.. reactions to your blog tells you who reads it..


sometimes.. it's such a surprise and it makes me happy that indirect as it is, someone actually notices..


thank you for responding boss.. it was certainly a surprise :D

ops when?

went to visit Doc See today regarding the lump in my throat. yeah, there's a lump of about 5.5cm in my throat (literally) since 2007 Dec.


today was a follow up session with him where i was supposed to tell him my decision as to what i wanna do. Doc See is a damn funny person. he has this straight face look and is like nonsense. i thought he'd prolly never smile, but i was wrong. either he has a funny bone in him as well or i must have really jovial and crappy which occasionally brings a smile in his face.


anyhows, i went telling him that if he's going to want me to be away from the office for 1 mth, it's impossible. so he suggested this. ops takes prolly a couple of hours and if the lump is not cancerous after they tested it, then after (4 days in hospital and 3 days of rest) 7 days, i can go back to office though he will give me mc for the remaining 3 weeks in case i need to go back to rest.


i suggested to him that maybe i can go back on monthly check up and then do another review in June. he cited it's not advisable as the lump is at the throat and close to the voicebox. if the lump turns cancerous, i might just lose my voice and by then it's a tad late. he mentioned that if it's only a 1cm lump, he has no qualms me postponing the ops. if it was 2.5cm, he's ok. in short, his message was clear. it's 5.5cm, quite big, don't play play.


i am confident that the surgery will be ok and should go smoothly. Afterall, he was being referred to me by my family doctor whom i think is also a wonderful and no frills doc. Got good vibes about Doc See too. i will discuss it soon with CH and the king. If ok, i should go for ops on 2nd week of Mar on Mon morning. thus, Doc See did not want to aspirate the accumulating liquid around the area in case i can go for the ops soon. i guess it's also his indirect method of getting me make the decision asap. coz if he aspirate today, he knows i am going to postpone to later part of the year. he asked me to discuss first and if really cannot ops in march, then he asked me to go back, then he will aspirate it and wait till May or June review.


he did however echoed my thoughts that the lump seemed to have increase in size. i felt it yesterday actually and was wondering if it is due to my sore throat.. anyway, i think it's best that i go ahead with it and hope that the lump is not cancerous!


so interesting, first time going to stay in hospital and going for an ops.. hmm..

gone and feeling blue and looking grey...

somehow, the pics uploaded into blogger is no longer available for viewing online. hmm.. don't know what happened so i went to checked out the forum. apparently, i'm not the only one. that's something nice to know. but somehow, only got 7 people (or less coz posts are repeated) who are experiencing the same problem.


well, sure hope the blogger team looks into this. when i tried to re upload the header photos, there's an error message citing that my url is invalid. hmm.. is it the problem with using unique (or not) internet browser or a macbook that caused the problem?


nevertheless, i'd leave it to the experts. i don't want to troubleshoot anything else after work. it's a tad torturous today coz my throat was feeling sucky, dry and itchy. my head's a tad heavy and i felt a tad feverish. i know i am falling sick and it's only a matter of time. cece told me that she was sick for the past couple of days and only went back to work today. she told me the doc mentioned that she got flu. hmm.. i sure wonder what we caught when we were in the highlands.


have been feeling sleepy for the past couple of days. and every morning, i felt my right eye having the abnormal double eyelid feel. you know, the kind like you didn't sleep enough and your eye just cannot completely open kinda thing?


i wonder if it's coz i am not feeling well and thus i am feeling rather stressed and grouchy. just felt that when i went back to work on tues there are so many things to do. lost focus and dunno what to work on. as the days went by, it got even worse. i feel i am unable to handle and i just feel i will miss many deadlines which further adds on to my frustrations. i am not the friendliest person for the last couple of days and i suspect tomorrow too. somehow, it feels like some form of depression setting in. argh.. everything looks greyish at this moment.


i hope i feel better as the weekend passed. things are really not just going the correct way.. i wonder if i lost all my luck for the year by hitting $90 from the toto.. i sure hope not.


damn sian..


sigh.

An additional resolution and a new family project

hmm.. when i thought of blogging this hectic period, i dunno where to start. it's been a crazy food eating spree since monday. i think i only managed to take a break on thurs, then it's off to more food on friday and sat. despite stuffing myself with goodies and non goodies (well not all restaurants churned out the yummiest food) the most important thing that i will remember for this CNY is that it brought the cousins closer.


you see, i have this tendency of doing disappearing acts for ions and i am pretty good at that. i believe this comes naturally after certain events which happened in my life over the years. it becomes easier to let go of strings attached and once the decision is made, the disappearing comes almost instantaneously. i find it incredible too! i guess sometimes i can be pretty hard hearted which i believe is some form of protection.


in any case this year, i will add another new year resolution.


to communicate and stay in touch with my family and extended family members on a regular basis. if not weekly, at least monthly.


basically, i kinda doubt it's going to be difficult. because of the most pathetically served food during CNY dinner on the first day, a couple of the cuz have come up with a plan that we will source for a good restaurant in 2010. Along with that, we are also thinking of revolutionalising our yearly CNYE dinner as well.


Think - for almost 25 years (for myself at least), we have been eating the same type of steamboat each and every year. Well, not that it's not delish, it's just that, we are thinking it should come with something different next year. This is likely to be challenging not only coz we are thinking of making an exceptional dish call 'orh nee' (sweet yam paste with ginko nuts and pumpkin) during the next CNYE dinner. We managed to get the recipe and now just need some practise. We have also to consider the tastes of our parents as well as ensuring that the food prepared are healthy and suitable to their taste. We kinda have to keep in mind that they have been having the same dishes for even longer than us and old tastes as with old habits die hard.


so Project 爱 has just completed its first brain storming sesh. committee members will reconvene on feb 28 for further discussion. we'll see how it goes. interesting as well as exciting. cool! :)

feeling a different BTNR

went for my weekly walk today with mum and it was in the wee hours of the morning. today was slightly different. temperature was cooling and it was nice walking up the slope though i still pant as i walk up the steep slope, i'm getting better in that i managed to walk continuously without stopping to take a break.


walked up and down twice. probably due to the cool weather, it made it easier to decide to walk up the slope again. the air was definitely fresh. i can feel the early morning dewy moisture seeped into my body and blood with every breath i take. the feeling was one of quiet awesomeness. i brought my itouch along, listening to the songs as i walked up the slope. i think i should create a playlist for slope walking moments coz it just feels wonderful. i think songs with just the singer singing and the piano playing would be the best company.


the route was slightly dark, it was as if rain would pour soon. but i know that it wouldn't rain coz at different intervals, the sun's ray shone gently through the slightly thick foilage and reminded me that it's sunny outside.


i like today's trip. i had my quiet time thinking as i walked up. self talk to encourage myself to continue walking up the slope even though i did feel like stopping to rest as i walked up the steep slope. it's a reminder that i can be quite determined at times. i guess i needed something like that to remind me that i can do something when i put my focus into it.


it was a moment which was hard to come by. come to think of it, i was contemplating whether i should go this morning.


well, i'm glad i did.

carried over resolutions

during our trip in spain when we were leaving ibiza for valencia, cece and me chit chatted as we waited to board the ferry.

the wait was long, so we started chatting about maybe taking up some courses and lessons. on our list were sports, music lessons, crafts etc. we brainstormed quite a few ideas, in the end 2008 ended with us not playing any sports, didnt become anymore musically talented nor did we became engrossed in any craft works.


this year, we revisited our 2008 resolution on NYE during our MRT ride to COLD's. we dabbled a bit on the musical part and she had a priority list of instruments she wanted to learn ranked accordingly highest priority (Piano), medium priority (Violin) and less priority (Flute). i seconded the flute. i'd be interested and it's prolly the cheapest instrument out of the three. but cece's more keen on the piano which will require loads of practise and erm of coz a piano to practise. haha, i think i will check out the flute, though i kinda forgot about the taiko drums. shall check it out again.


so my 2008 resolutions somehow carried over this year. last week i signed up for hip hop with edeline. ideally it should start Feb, but i might be due to go for a long delayed operation which will leave me with 3 weeks of mc or that's what Doc See mentioned, which therefore means that i have to postpone the hip hop sesh.


one of my resolutions for this year was also to accompany my mum for her bukit timah hill walking trip, and for the last two Sundays, i actually did that. feels good after walking, so i figured i'd prolly continue for sometime. may include a trip on Sat mornings as well. Depends on how lazy i am.


i haven't started my craft project yet, maybe this week? dunno, see how tired i will. as i type, i realised that my eyes are getting really heavy. wonder what made me so tired today, been yawning non stop!! though i did find some courses which caught my attention!! one of it is glass fussing and the other japanese clay. wonder what else i can find online.


started the year eating partially healthy and still trying to continue the fruitty and veggie intake regularly. it's kinda fun coz i am experimenting again, just a bit limited with the dishes cooked coz i can only boil, stew or steam. there's no cooker hood at home so, stirfry will be messy. nevertheless, it's healthy which is most important!


let's see how well i will abide by my 2009 resolutions carried over from never fulfilling any in 2008... :D