Saturday, November 14, 2009

Post Mortem

Woke up in a loss.. it was the same as yesterday when i was woken up by some DBS person calling me up and i couldnt make out which day it was and what i was doing before i went to bed. perhaps it's the brain's temporary measure to delete extreme sadness for that one short minute or two to allow it's host to forget certain things and then hopefully things get better.

Unfortunately, when a person is hurt emotionally, it's more than just the brain that is involved. like they say, the heart and the brain don't usually go along the same way. so when i woke up yesterday and today, the same feeling of disgust overwhelmed me.

it starts with the repulsive feeling of wanting to regurgitate that immense sense of gross and disgust out from the system. nope, no resort to making use of alcohol to forget my sorrows (i'd go to that later) so i am talking about something that is actually not there but it's making it's presence felt. something which i so want to get rid of. knowing that going to the loo to enact the action of puking will not help, i laid on in bed. thoughts of stabbing myself to feel the pain instead of the disgust was awfully tempting but then, of coz it's a suicide attempt which is in itself, ridiculous. what happened next would be all those previous memories coming back to haunt me and then i start to think of what went wrong and where.

two days, the cycle repeated. two days i didnt want to go to bed the night before knowing that the next morning i'd have the same feeling.

this morning, i took the courage to think about things. the only thing which could have made me feel better and finally a sense of liberation was this date September 18. maybe the events which happened after this date had nothing to do with what didnt happen on that day, but somehow, putting everything on this date made me felt better of sorts. actually, this date has always been on my mind since the day itself happened.

however, this meant that for the years to come i'd always remember this date, well maybe not. but then the regret of what didnt happen on that day will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. the thing is, if i had put down everything, forget about going for din with angie and went shopping with him, would i have gotten a surprise? that has always been my question since that fateful day.

anyway, the point is there is no point guessing anymore. things are not going to change regardless how much guess work i'm doing. the point now is to get myself out of this shit hole. i've cried enough and i need to move on. i've been a huge dumb ass throughout this whole episode.

friends kept saying 'let's go for drinks' or 'let's drink and you'd forget'.. well, been there done that. no drinks to forget sorrow, it's something which i did ions ago and the results always.. hmm.. how should i put it? sux big time. not only do you have to nurse an even more broken heart, there's the hang over which makes everything even more sucky. told a friend yesterday that i'd remain sober this time. feel everything and learn from it. i will never repeat the same mistake ever.

today, i'd accept this regret. i had a choice on sept 18 but i chose something else. maybe another me in another dimension is happy, having made the right choice. maybe she isn't. whatever it is, if time can go back to that day, i'd choose the other option. unfortunately, time is never turning back so it's one of those things i'd just have to live with it.

partial shock, immense sadness, anger, puffy swollen eyes, disgust, the stingy feeling creeping up my shoulders making me cringe each time when i think about them on their holiday and knowing that i was a huge dumb ass all these while being true to my feelings.. hmm.. i hope not to experience this ever again. 

getting over and moving on in 2 days seems short, but as age catches up, don't really have a lot of time to wallow in self pity and regret. he was somebody important and i'm happy to know that he is happy coz for the longest time he hasn't been.

hopefully the next person who comes along will let me go through a happy flow rather than what i have felt for the last 2 days. well, i guess i just have to remain hopeful then.

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