平时的这个时间，usually still sleeping like a pig even when the alarm rings. refusing to get out of bed is always the case. 今天的这个时间，decided to wake up to post this entry and 外面突然下着大雨 machiam reflecting how i am now.
yesterday 告诉／promise 自己 crying buckets is only limited for last night or when the skies was still dark 今早的第一线光 (yah, somehow it is still a little bright) already broken the promise and self talk. obviously, can't do it.
in the half awaken state before waking up and thereafter, coming to sense of what happened yesterday, felt the following:
1） 心如刀割 - actually more like stab than cut
2） shoulders super uneasy
3) stomach forever feel like wanting to get rid of something
4) the thought of food just makes me feel like puking
想啊想，refused to give up and just cannot understand what went wrong and where. maybe it's that fateful day which determined everything maybe it isnt. i hate 'maybes'. as of now, 一切以成定局 is there any use to fret about what happened and why?
过去的many months, the things done never got to anywhere. the encouragement, the concern, the help, the whatevers.. 真的 is nothing. everything wasted and dropped into a bottomless pit. never expected to hear 'thanks' all the time and never always heard it. now i finally know why.
all the while is 一葙情愿。。。
那个人不是我的感觉somehow knew it, just still want to indulge in siaming a reality which was bound to happen and it did. i wish buy 4D or toto i'm so super jun, at least got money can do whatever i want.
thought that i will be 萧洒 and can 拿的起，放的下, knowing me, it's crap. obviously failed terribly. cried till nose blocked so bad and had to breathe through mouth, completely dehydrated and end up with a pounding headache. kaoz, hate to go to sleep like that.
facebook - deleted
msn - removed
following - removed
这样不会好一点， just prevent me from knowing the updates which may happen in the subsequent period to come which i think is 好的 and perhaps make the moving on easier. 不是no heart, just that heart is now cui liao, need to pick up the pieces. all these 只是因为太喜欢一个人and没有说的 end result.
friends say 出国走走 is a good idea. i beg to differ. how to feel happy when i waited from the 1st quarter of the year till now, expecting to go the place i really want by this period, lost all opportunities to go anywhere with my friends because there wasn't a firm answer telling me 'nah... think you better ask your friends to go' and till yesterday found out that the whole time of waiting was for nothing. it sux and yes, i must say.. why the $@#($(%( this kind of rubbish always kenar me.
十一月十三日 Friday the thirteen, 最后一滴泪也该流干了。
今天的现在，我是世界第一个超极大笨蛋，缠着心里这么久的 mystery already been solved, should feel very free.. but somehow no. 希望第二个笨蛋have better luck than me.