Monday, November 13, 2006

impluse and anger

could have reached home earlier, but due to some road closures, i reached home later than expected. work today, sucks. it was a terrible day. i missed lunch and am now freaking famished and extremely tired. yet i need to blog this just so that everybody knows.

impluse and anger, when combined, are actually two very mean source of emotions.

some people might have managed to read what i wrote last night. an entry that i contemplated for ages whether to publish or not to publish. how subtley i should write and what would be the outcome if the intended person should have read it.

i gave in to anger, impluse and frustration that drove me over and beyond my normal self. when i started to type, the words just came naturally. i posted it, rewrote it countless times and unposted it. whatever i did, it didn't felt right. everything within me was telling me it's wrong, don't do it. but ego got the better out of me and i still posted it and some people managed to read it.

in any case, the intended person to read the entry didnt read it, but heard about it and smsed me. i called the person up and the call went unanswered. thankfully, the person called again and that's when we started to talk. a very long talk i must say.

yes, that entry was really mean, intense and filled with pent up emotions and frustrations. we talked and analysed about the whole thing. i asked her questions which i asked in my blog. everything and told her how i felt. she told me her side of her story and also how she felt. it was another heart to heart talk that we shared. the 2nd one since we got to become friends except this time it was through the phone.

i guess blogging about how i felt helped me to be ready to hear what she had to say. i knew deep inside i was wrong in certain ways but i was stubborn and didn't want to admit it. when i saw her sms, it was without hesitation that i called her immediately. i felt like i'm being eaten alive by my own sense of thoughts and i needed to hear her out before the whole thing goes beyond control and we become victims of our own senseless mind games. we were playing with our own minds and hearing inputs from other didn't exactly help analyse the situation, though i am very sure they are just being real pals by listening to what we have to say and doing their best to help us feel better.

this prolly sound hypocritcal, yet, i really felt much better after talking about what i wanted to say to her. how i hate the stuff that she has done and what i thought she had done. she also told me about how she felt that it wasn't a big thing that happened, that she never expected it to become what it had became, why i didn't ask her to meet up anymore and why we no longer talk about a certain group of people.

we talked like we always did. vulgarities - not hurling at each other of coz but just stuff like WTF and all and stuff involved. told her also that if she wanted to read the entry i can send it to her, but it's really nasty. she said that if she had read it, she'd still call me, but she would be nasty as well.

it was the timing, the second guessing, the wrong events happening at the wrong time, the smses sent at the wrong situations, the intense need to talk vs the stubborness of giving people a chance to talk. the clash of personality in wanting to solve a problem. it was all these that made us go one big circle towards an issue that could not be resolved until today.

it's funny, the clash of personality. we have friends telling us to forget and ignore each other. as much as we complained about the whole matter, as much as we try to ignore, as much as we prolly said stuff about each other to our non mutual friends, we still persisted. persisted in a manner that neither of us knew where we were going, but both of us knew it's something that we cannot let go. had it been that easy, i would have ignored in the first place, yet i didn't. had it been that easy, she wouldn't even bother to try and talk to me. the friendship mattered, one way or another.

so blogging it in a way was good. taking it off in time before further issues arises was the right thing to do as well. it's indeed a heavy burden taken away from within. i feel light and yes, i only want to say that things are the same as before. Not just normal, but it's how we used to be.

there i said it!

most importantly, i apologise to the one whom i have hurt in many ways. today was a good time, albeit the weirdest time, i think any other day had we tried to talk again, things might be different. we both learnt some lessons, know each other better and proved that certain things we told each other about ourselves are right. i look forward to catching 'a good year' with you. hopefully, both of our year ends well.

cheers to our friendship, one that didn't build up that easily, nearly fell into piece so easily and rebuilt in a not so easy way. i guess that's prolly how it grows through stormy weather and choppy seas..haa..whatever.

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