regrets

i've decided some eons ago to try to have as little regrets as possible in my life. as such, i try to make responsible decisions.


i always believe there are more than one choice available to help with my decisions to stuff. It's either this, that or something else. Choices are aplenty, it's just how much risk i am willing to take and how much responsibility i can face should my decision not turn out the way i want or hope it to be. i hardly write down the pros and cons to every available choices. As Cece once said, i am more prone to make decisions from what my heart tells me to. I guess as such, i am very much a vibe person.


took me very long to decide to blog this entry. simply because, i regretted something i've never done.


this month, something major happened. it has got to do with a very close friend. i somehow feel my stomach churning when i type the word 'close' friend. my thoughts when the event happened was 'how can i call myself a close friend when i knew nuts about the severity of the event that happened.' i regretted not having asked further as to what happened to the days when my friend went MIA-ed. i thought about why haven't i been more persistent then in asking further?


i wonder if my friend had wanted to tell me badly as to what happened to him if i'd continue to probe. however, i'm usually a person who respects my friends' decisions to keep mum what they do not want to say as i expect the same of my friends. my thoughts are 'Never pursue further if people never want you to know'. Did i then make a wrong decision of not asking further which thus then lead to me feeling a sense of regret not being able to hear his last thoughts before the event happened?


i've found out how to get in touch with him, but i've no idea what to write coz i feel really lousy. I feel as if i've not stood by my friend when support was needed. I felt as if i've taken him as a good time friend. taken him for granted that he will always be there to hear my joys and woes and i have not shared his. i feel upset, selfish and disappointed with myself. i'm just wondering if things would have been different if i probed further as to what's happening to his life.


were there signs? i guess there were. like i said a year odd back, the drunken self is one's true self one will never reveal to others when sober. some events which happened, we chose to sweep it away and thought we should not ask further.


having seen him a week before the event happened made me feel even worse. he had wanted to tell the 3 of us who were there what's going to happen to him but decided not to coz we were all so happy. i blame myself for indulging in my own happiness and overlooking his hesitant and overwhelmingly strong front that night.


everything now makes sense, but nothing's going to change. it's going to be quite sometime before i'd ever see this friend of mine.


i'm missing him already...