Sunday, October 09, 2011

fragility of life

last weekend, i witnessed a heart wrenching moment.. so heart wrenching that my eyes still get teary whenever i think about that weekend. i doubt i can ever forget, i probably never will. it was the first time i witnessed someone slowly losing to the cancer battle.

my uncle was diagnosed 3 months back that he was at the final stage of stomach cancer. back then when i visited him, he was still jovial, ready to battle the illness even though there was only 3 months. Mum called me last friday and told me that the doctor informed that my uncle may not last another day and asked me to see him one last time.

when i reached the hospital, i couldnt recognised the person lying on the bed. He had, lost so much weight.. his face was so thin, his whole body skeletal. i was close to tears and extremely shocked. i saw my cousin and gave her a hug. i knew and confirm then that i was never emotionally strong. i couldn't even say a word without crying. I really sucked big time in this.

he could not eat and could not drink. every breath he took needed immense effort, i could feel the pain and the strain and i think half the time i was breathing through my mouth. it was tense, it was scary. no one taught others how to handle such situations. i don't know what i could do to help, i just helped to cool him down together with my other cousin and massaging his toes and legs. when my aunt tried to drip water for him to drink, he bit the cotton bud so hard trying to get more water out of it. he was that thirsty but every drop he drank made him cough. he was really struggling very hard to survive.

stomach cancer is a frightening thing. you know you need to be healthy so that you can go through the necessary treatment. stomach cancer has no treatment. even after chemo, something like a nuclear bomb destroying everything in sight kills even the good cells leaving no defense in the body for anything. food eaten regardless how little the amount, was being vomited.

my uncle probably died hungry. he passed away in the evening last sunday. we watched him not being able to move his hands, legs and breathing becoming slower, then harder when family, relatives called his name. his determination to try his best to live, but to no avail. fighting his hardest even towards the end.

it's the hardest thing i have to see in my life for now. i can only say that life is so unfair and decided that i should not regret not having done things in my life. living life to the fullest is always easy to say, but whenever we get entangled in the hustle and bustle of reality, it's easy to forget. hopefully i will get to spend more time with my parents and family so that should one day when life decides to be unfair again, i will have the strength and courage to fight the tears and say what i want to say.

Rest in peace uncle Kok Seng. I am sure you are smiling in the house of God right now.

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